I wanted to discuss Mental Health today and how it can effect anyone. I’m not one normally for solum Blog posts but I want to try bring some positivity into your struggles.
Mental Health is such a hard topic to bring up with anyone we all have our insecurities and fears. 1 in 4 people now suffer with Mental Health that’s a lot. That’s someone in your home, your friends group and in your family. Scary eh, and to think they could be suffering in silence.
My Experience to me felt like the end of the world although a small drop in the ocean compared to where I could of been. At the time it felt like my world was imploding, the important thing to remember here is never judge someone’s pain or struggle as to them it is their world.
Why am I writing a blog then on mental health? Simply, because I don’t feel enough people come forward and talk so open about their health and also I want you whoever you are to read this and have hope. It won’t take a day to get better nor a week. But one day you will live again and feel free.
For me throughout my childhood I’ve always had mild OCD not enough to go to the Drs and be diagnosed I knew to myself that’s what was causing my frustration at situations. It made me angry for many years and I look back and see this now. I was never a scared person or fearful I was always out-going and a hard-worker. Leaving School after my A-levels and starting work was the making of me. I loved working hard and earning money so I could enjoy myself. I quickly became successful in my work getting a promotion to a better paid job every 8 months. I felt valued and wanted, I finally felt all my hard work had paid off. That was until I met my ex.
I’ve always been cagey when discussing him and I don’t want to sit here and slag him off, he doesn’t deserve our attention, but the situation still needs to be discussed. I will never sell my story no matter what I’ve been offered and I won’t sit here playing the victim. I was young and in ‘love’ I think we all know how silly we can be when this happens. So much so I’ve had to have a tattoo cover up! (It wasn’t his name don’t worry).
” Emetophobia is a persistent and unwarranted fear of being sick or vomiting and according to the International Emetophobia Society it is the fifth most common phobia.”
Our relationship developed very quickly and I trusted him completely, amidst the lies which kept unravelling I would always find a way to dismiss it. We moved in to an amazing house and had a puppy called Max. This is where you all come in August 2013 I started my page ‘Extreme Couponing and Deals UK’ I had lost my job by then due to my illness taking over. My severe anxiety had taken it’s toll and I was house ridden for many months. Couponing became an escapism for me a healthy addiction to my personality. I would obsess over finding the best deals and coupons. So much so it eventually got me to the local shop. I couldn’t go in supermarkets for some reason I was petrified, nothing had ever happened in one I just hated them. Couponing gave me this powerful push and hold on me to ensure I got to the shop everyday and in public once again. We had no money by now and Couponing was also my way of paying the bills. Many may question why I couldn’t work, everyday I tried but it was like I wasn’t meant to feel okay I was always meant to feel sick and punish myself.
I became very isolated and many friends disowned me, which I think is disgusting even to this day not to help me in my hour of need. Even after the countless times I would be there at 3am after one of their many break-ups. My ex became more and more controlling and any money I got wouldn’t be spent on bills it would go towards xbox games to feed his desire on materialistic objects. He blamed me constantly for our situation and to be honest I ate every word he gave me. He drove me away from my family who wanted to help and instead he forced me to quit my job at the bank.
At the time it felt the best thing to do, even though it wasn’t this decision changed my life for the better.
In September I met Mitch (my current partner) I was still with my ex (no nothing happened!). It was strictly business and he soon became another escapism tool. He didn’t know me, he didn’t judge me it was perfect. We worked together for so long then he became a friend someone I could talk to. I had never met him but I knew I had to get to know him. A month passed and we were speaking 24/7 it was almost like a switch flicked in my head and I didn’t care anymore about my ex. I could finally be happy again.
When a newspaper wanted to interview me last year it was very bizarre, 16k followers I was baffled why anyone was interested. I followed the process and didn’t know what to expect. 18th December 2013 my life changed once more. My first ever article. The first person I rang was Mitch who was so pleased and my family. Went home to my ex he didn’t say a word his family still to this day refuse to acknowledge it happened. This sealed the deal for me on the 22nd December 2days before Christmas (I know not the best timing) I left for good. That evening I had also been shown explicit content between him and another woman.
Before meeting Mitch I generally think I never would of left, I didn’t have the courage to. Mitch fixed me in so many ways and we still had only met once. All of my families support and all of you my followers built me up to leave the negativity and hate and be happy once again. That Christmas was the happiest Christmas I have had.
“A sociopath can be defined as a person who has Antisocial Personality Disorder. This disorder is characterised by a disregard for the feelings of others, a lack of remorse or shame, manipulative behaviour, unchecked egocentricity, and the ability to lie in order to achieve one’s goals. Sociopaths can be dangerous at worst or simply very difficult to deal with, and it’s important to know if you’ve found yourself with a sociopath, whether it’s someone you’re dating or an impossible coworker”
Hearing those words were surreal, “sociopath” I finally had a name for all of what I had been through. “It’s not your fault” warmed me even more. My councillor Laura was the best I can’t tell you how relived I was to know I wasn’t crazy. All the pain, tears and fear were all down to him. It was 3 months since I had left by now I still had the 7k debt to my name. Forgot to mention that I agreed to take on his debts to help him, I was told his ex left him in it….do I believe that now…No. That was all part of his master plan. My anxiety was much worse as I had to deal with court and reliving it all. In the end I decided to pause court due to my health.
Skip to now, what has changed? Well for one I now have the best job in the world helping everyone save money. Nothing is more rewarding and it really does make my day to know I am helping so many people out there. My anxiety has gone down I barely have any now, except on the tube it’s so busy! I am healthier now a size 10 before I was bearing on a size 6 due to controlling my intake of food (Luckily I overcame this quickly). My family are supportive as ever and continue to show me how proud they are of my achievements. My partner Mitch is the gem in all of this without him I wouldn’t have the Website, Youtube Vlogs or this Blog!
He is my best friend and has been there the days I crumble and cry about nothing. There are days I wake up and think what is all of this worth then I remember in just one year I have started a business, won awards, been on TV, been national news, been in a book, been asked by the Mental Health Foundation to write an article, raised £300 for Cancer Research & started 3 websites all by myself. It is just Mitch and I running the place. Many think we have been brought out or owned by someone but I will never sell my soul like so many others. You are my number one priority not money and I like things just how they are! I will alway be eternally grateful for all my followers and opportunities presented in my path and I can’t wait to see what 2015 brings!
(Photo taken last New Year at my skinniest.)
My message to you is I was told ‘It get’s better’ and it has really taken me over a year to truly believe those words. So I am saying to you now It DOES get better. It may never go completely but think of it as war wounds. They hurt and will sting some days but you fought that battle and came out triumphant. I have been truly blessed this pass year and believe all the pain and dark, dark times were to make me stronger and make me the better human I am today. I’m not perfect and I never will be, but’s that’s okay.
(Finally happier and celebrating our first year together.)